The sell out

Remember yesterday's post where I said I wouldn't sell myself short? Yeah, so much for that. I guess I just couldn't be alone. I jumped in a relationship the second I could. Which wasn't but days later. What's worse is the fact I jumped in with a beau way worse than the one before. I just drew the crazies in like a magnet. There were tell tale signs from the beginning that this relationship was toxic. I should have gotten out the minute it started but everything spiraled out of control fast. Before I knew it we had been together for a year. One one hand, I was so angry at God for dealing me a crappy hand, on the other, I felt it was my punishment for all the wrong I'd done in the relationship before this one. While I had been broken down in the previous relationship, I also dished out my fair share of hurt.

This new relationship snapped me out of my naive childlike days. I finally decided I had had enough & I was leaving. It was late at night & we were fighting yet again. He had a way of making me feel guilty. See, he was adopted & he used the same song & dance every time I threatened to leave. "Go ahead, everyone has always left me. Why would you be any different? But I really need you." I knew as he was speaking these words, they didn't matter, that I was tapped out. They were not going to work on me anymore. It was not my fault this relationship wasn't working. I was going. Matter of fact, I was already gone. When he realized I wasn't responding, he dealt me a blow. He started crying, pulled up his sleeves to his shirt & revealed track marks then pleaded for help.

I was so shocked. How had I lived with this person for so long & had no clue he was using? Was I really that much in the dark? I was so angry. I knew right then I was NOT staying there any longer but the desperation in his voice held me there. The months that followed were chaos. I felt like I was actually living in a movie. I was dating a user & while I tried like mad to get him help, my attempts failed. Between working crazy hours, pacing the floors at night wondering if had gotten killed, phoning Recovery Resources to inquire about open beds, & trips to the ER for missed hits, I was exhausted, to say the least. Finally at the end of a 2nd year with him, an opportunity came for me to flee from this nightmare & I took it. I ran & I thank God everyday my parents, sister & 2 really good friends were there to pick me back up.

It took a long time to put myself back together. On days I see news articles about a drug bust, the emotions resurface but I no longer feel like I let him down. I did what I could. I just say a small prayer of thanks & rest a little easier. There's one less drug house for someones son or daughter to get their fix from.

Today is day 4 of my song challenge. In the rules, there is a day you dedicate to a song you play when you're angry. I don't have many "angry" days anymore but I had a ton then. This song is one I played a lot to help pull me through.

Lyrics:

Well, I don't wanna see you waiting
I've already gone too far away
I still can't keep the day from ending
No more messed up reasons for me to stay

Well, this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Let's make the call & take it all, whoa again

Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance & left you standing
lost the will to do this once again

Well, this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Let's make the call & take it all
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time again, whoa again

I see you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
I see you waiting
I see you waiting

Well, this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Let's make the call & take it all

Repeat